From the looks of it, it may just rain today. The thick soft shades of gray hanging in the sky look just like the precious belly of my silver tabbied cat, Rufus.
I am currently wearing a pink v-neck t-shirt, painted on black jeans and grey velvet super-boots. Super, I say, because I could easily, in one swift swoop, tug off my civilian clothes, reveal nothing but a fancy leotard, a heroic cape and these boots and I would certainly pass all costume expectations of a super hero. Of course I'm not wearing a leotard beneath my clothes and super heroes probably prefer their tailored, stretchy attire referred to as a uniform. "Costume" seems so frivolous. Which is fine, no one is knocking frivolity, it's just that super heroes are to be taken very seriously, yes? They do in fact jeopardize their lives and normal everyday personas to stand against the chaos, injustices and cruelty of the world. I want to be super. In the superhero kind of way. I feel super in a lot of ways, but standing tall in the face of crisis or conflict ain't my best attribute.
I'd be a selfish superhero, however. I would want to use my powers to stand up against my own worst enemies. At first, anyways. I'd need to battle my own weaknesses and fears before I could stage battles against the most villainous forces of the universe. Or, I suppose, I could do both simultaneously, right? Isn't that how it usually goes: in battling external adversaries, we learn to overcome our own terrors and demons?
Yes, that is how it goes. Yes, yes. Ok. So, maybe it wouldn't be selfish.
Well, then. Consider me spandex-ed and ready for action. I'm going to make a list of internal / external forces of evil and furiously spin in circles until I get dizzy and collapse. Then, I will gracefully stand up and shout with conviction, "Ignite effective solutions!" (Effective solutions delivered with aerial gymnastics, pyrotechnics and undeniable sexual allure, of course. I don't want to be a boring superhero. Effective solutions + pizazz = me.) Then I will peruse over the list and choose my first battle.
Ok. Let's get this list started.
First and Most Importantly: Speak Up.
Over the last two years, I have silenced myself more than anytime in my adult life. Internalizing and quietly tip-toeing off the radar. Prior to my vocal hiatus, however, exposing my thoughts, truths, strengths, vulnerabilities, failures, absurdities and dumb jokes was a vital modus operandi that kept me sane and connected.
But, then my life changed.
In a very short period of time, I became overwhelmed - practically defined - by love, loss, stress and death - simultaneously experiencing the most visceral heartaches and the most profound personal connections I have ever encountered. I experienced numerous deaths in a matter of days, began an affair, started a business and .....I shed skins until I bled from my bones. I dug holes deeper than the earth's crust until I descended into a territory terrifyingly unknown. I both haphazardly and relentlessly discovered the most heinous the and most extraordinary elements of me, Krissi. I built an impossible cage of circumstance around me and swallowed the key into the deepest pit of my gut without ever as much as a whisper or a whimper. Slowly unfettered myself from a self-imposed sentence of solitary confinement and, then took a long deep breath. I kept my chin up, my mouth shut and sludged forward to the best of my ability while I conjured the strength to find my way back to me.
I've taken a lot in over the past two years. Ingested. Digested. Consumed. Contemplated. Mummed my very own words so as to let my personal experiences whirl around in my brain until I was ready to speak. Meanwhile, allowing my silence to create a forum for others to interpret my experiences and tell my story.
Today, I am ready.
Mine is not a story of woe, however. Nor is it shameful, blameful or told with a talon-tongue. My story is about how even when we are buried in the cruelest of life's moments, how even when our hearts our shattered and we have failed ourselves and others more than we ever thought imaginable, we can always find our way back to peace. And with a little compassion, we can always learn from both our extraordinary super-powers and the quite ordinary follies of love.
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